Your Upbringing Doesn’t Excuse Hate

A few weeks a guy I know was beraiting radical queer folks, like me, who were pointing problems with pro-marriage rhetoric and specifically problems with supporting the HRC. When I, along with a few other people, pointed out that he may be missing some information here – that his knowledge was limited on this subject – he blew up, swore at me, and ceased to be my friend. In his tirade he explained that his family and upbringing were really homophobic. Basically, I got the sense that he wanted to be considered a hero for being less of a bigot than his parents. He considers himself an ally because he does the bare minimum – he considers queer people human.

More recently I saw another person defend Paula Dean, saying that because she was raised in the south and she is older it wasn’t really racist when she said incredibly racist things. Apparently her upbringing excuses her nasty behavior. She can’t be responsible for using racist language because it is common in her cultural background.

Bullshit. Upbringing doesn’t excuse racism. Living in a society that allowed slave owning didn’t make owning other human beings okay. Coming from a culture that commonly treats queers as second class citizens doesn’t make it acceptable to call us names. Being a bigot isn’t alright no matter how you were raised or how bigotted your parents are. Upbringing doesn’t excuse hatred, bigotry, discrimination, or calling people nasty words. Being transphobic doesn’t become okay just because your friends and family are. People have a responsibility to learn; they have to do better than that.

Furthermore, being less judgemental than your background doesn’t make you a hero, or even an ally. Being in favor of basic civil rights for queer folks is required, but not sufficient, for being an ally. It is the bare minimum. It’s the starting point. If you want to be a real ally you’re going to have to do more than think DOMA needs to be overturned. Being an ally to people of color doesn’t just mean believing you shouldn’t call someone the N-word. Being supportive of people with disabilities goes further than thinking handicapped parking spaces are a good idea.

Want to be a real ally? Assume that you always have more to learn. Remember that being better than your past isn’t an end point away from injustice – it’s just the begining.

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Benny Vimes

Benny Vimes

Benny Vimes is a queer polyamorous transman, curious skeptic, and enthusiastic seeker of knowledge. He's an undergraduate student in his 30's and loves teaching people about alternative sexuality and gender issues.


  1. July 3, 2013 at 12:06 pm —

    This happened to me a little while back. A theoretical friend of mine commented that when he first new me he didn’t think of me as the queer type. So I took him to task and asked him what the hell he meant by that. Eventually he wound up so backed into a corner he came up with the feeble remark that was something along the lines of he was asian and asian people tend to be more homophobic so I should just be glad he wasn’t worse. I don’t think I’ve spoken to him since.

  2. August 6, 2013 at 5:09 am —

    I was brought up by religious extremists, luckily, living in europe, I was surrounded by people who thought being gay was acceptable. It took me till my early twenties before I started accepting others and later again before accepting myself.
    I would agree that they are not an full ally unless they accept you fully, but I think it’s worth taking into account how hard it is to break out of a intensely religious background.

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