Sunday School: Cosmo UK Brings the Lulz

So once again, I have no questions to answer, and the sex advice in major binary-enforcing periodicals lately has actually been fairly inoffensive. However, when I was cruising for a Queer Abby (you like that? I’m still not completely sold) victim, I did find this feature on Cosmo UK that had some unintentionally hilarious bits.

In absence of anything better to do, let’s review.

It isn’t that anything in this column is wrong, per se; it’s just that their editor is apparently out to lunch.

Karl, 23, from Clapham says: “When I have sex with a girl it’s because I fancy her–I don’t want to be an audience to over-loud porn-style groaning or worse still, be given a horribly vigorous hand job or have my foreskin bitten off!”

UK readers, inquiring minds want to know: what the fuck is wrong with your porn industry? Alternately, perhaps we have finally happened upon an explanation for the United States mania for infant circumcision.

A survey by Men’s Health magazine found that the majority of men (34 per cent) say they are most proud of their foreplay skills, followed by oral skills.

Might want to check your math there, kid.

Men enjoy foreplay too–especially if it involves some great tongue action from you!

In other news, kittens are adorable and Rick Santorum is an idiot.

OK, so his penis might be his biggest erogenous zone, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t got plenty of others that deserve your attention. […] In fact, there are two hanging right there in front of you.

I don’t think one has to be a lesbian to find this mental image profoundly unsettling.

Andy, 27, from East Croydon says: “Why do guys have to buy the rubbers? A hot girl invited me back to hers last week–but didn’t have any condoms. By the time I’d walked to the garage it was shut. Not a great end to the evening!”

She probably was glad to see you go, if you are apparently so impaired that you can’t think of any sexytimes activities that don’t require condoms. Holy shit, how uninventive can you be?

A recent survey found that the average British woman has slept with a total of eight men – and was drunk during at least five of those encounters.

My eye is twitching right now and I can’t seem to make it stop.

“I had a one night stand about three months ago,” says Ed, 25, from Cambridge. “She shoved her index finger up my arse without warning and expected me to explode with ecstasy. All I exploded with was rage! I’m just not that kinda guy!”

On the one hand, I am deeply sympathetic to anyone who has had a sex act they did not want forced on them. On the other, the “that kinda guy” comment makes me want to shove this dude into a woodchipper.

Callum, 28, from Swansea says: “I know if a girl is nowhere near orgasm, so why start squirming and screaming–it just makes me wonder if she’s got cramp. I’d rather she be honest. It’s an insult to my intelligence as much as anything else!”

And your claim to possession of magical orgasm-detection powers and your hamfisted attempt to dictate what is or is not appropriate sexual response is an insult to my intelligence, but you don’t see me whining about it on the internet. Oh wai

“I’d like it if my girlfriend took the initiative sometimes and pinned ME against a wall, shoved her hand on MY crotch and told me what she was going to do to ME. I get hard just thinking about it.”

If that’s your usual prelude to sex with your ladyfriend, I think I may have found the reason she seems reluctant to initiate.

If you want super-hot sex, talk to (and listen) to your partner – he may be feeling more insecure than you realise. Great sex starts with good communication.

Well, what do you know, maybe the editor isn’t falling down on the job after all.

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Featured image is silently judging you.