1Flesh: How Sperm is Magic

I’m not the first to poke holes in this website.  And dear Cod, I hope I won’t be the last.  Basically, a member of the church that pioneered the “rape children instead” method of birth control has started a website that combines all the regressive sexual politics of the Catholic curmudgeon contingent with the rage faces that are so hep – we still say hep, right? – with those kids these days.

Make sure the parking brake is engaged on your ROFLcopter before the jump.

Please understand the sacrifices I make for you people.  It took all the drugs in my house to put me in a state where I could read past the lies to find the best funnies from each article to share with you tonight. Now I’m out. If anyone has extra drugs, send them to me.  I’ll also accept pizza rolls.

How Condoms Ruin Sex: Likewise, condoms prevent the natural, beneficial effect a man has on his partner’s reproductive system. A major cause of female infertility is zinc deficiency. A man’s semen supplies this vital nutrient to his wife[…].

Normal humans – also known as men – get nutrients like zinc through their face-hole. Women, being much too fat as a rule, can only supplement their chronic malnourishment diet of hundred-calorie snack packs and shame through the beneficence of husband spunk (and then only to protect the heir-factory, not for their own health). It’s actually the main reason god gave us vaginas.

After the infamous apple of knowledge binge, women were forbidden forevermore from consuming more than 100 calories at a time.

Check out the fine print: “Because every woman deserves 100% real Cadbury chocolate with only 100 calories. NOW THAT’S CLEVER.”

So enjoy those 100 calories – you’ve earned it! – but don’t forget to take your spermato-vitamins.

Semen has the power to heal women suffering from infertility. A 1947 study “The influence of semen on the female reproductive organs” – far too old for reference, but interesting nonetheless – published in The American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology compared two groups of women with sterile, underdeveloped wombs.

I imagine the conversation went something like this: “Yo, editor, I got this one study, but it’s FAR too old to reference!” “Ah fuck it, reference the shit out of that study; just make sure to hedge first.”

The Health Benefits of Contraception: This is an amputation: Cycle problems are fixed by the removal a woman’s natural cycle. This is advertised by pharmaceutical companies as good medicine, yet we’d laugh at the suggestion that arm problems be cured by the removal of arms.

Oh, sorry, Guy with gangrenous fingers. Pipe down, Woman with necrotizing fasciitis! I laugh at the suggestion that your arm problems can be cured by the removal of your affected arms.

Sidenote: I’m one of those mystical women with literally debilitating hormone rebellions. I haven’t had a goddamn period in two years (WHOO HOO!), and I also haven’t needed my support braces in about that long because my joints don’t swell up anymore when I do strenuous exercises like walking down the street or climbing a flight of stairs. So, there’s that, if you ever find yourself in the long dark night of the soul wondering, “Why the fuck does Yessenia take this shit so personally?”

Overpopulation:Modern medicine is a beautiful thing.

In 1960 it was an average of 6 children per woman; by 2002 it was just 2.6.

Hey, wait. Wasn’t I just reading about how contraception doesn’t work and modern medicine is pharmaceutical companies exploiting you with dangerous, untested Pills?!

The idea that the widespread use of artificial contraception will help end the stressful incidence of unintended pregnancy — while hopeful — has been debunked.

I guess God had a reason for giving us both sides of our mouth; it’d be a shame to ignore one.

The Pill and Female Sex Drive:It would be naïve, then, not to expect a similar change in sex drive with the use of hormonal contraception, which creates an ‘artificial pregnancy’, but involves none of the emotional and relational satisfaction that comes from a healthy pregnancy and anticipation of a child.”

Squick, dude! Most people don’t get more aroused “in anticipation of a child.”

I do, however, get very aroused by not being in constant pain. Thanks, hormonal contraception!

Sex speaks a language in its unitive and procreative nature, and in its release of couple-bonding chemicals like oxytocin. It says forever.

It takes the simple, scientific fact that a woman’s cervical mucus changes in response to her fertility, then teaches women how to observe those changes and to chart them.

HAWT. Between charting my cervical mucous and anticipating children, I’m about ready to call it a night.

A Better Way:
Part of the problem is that the use of condoms leads to Risk Compensation – a phenomenon in which the use of risk-reducing technologies makes individuals more willing to take on greater risk.

Being safer encourages you to take more risks. The solution, then, is to just take those risks, take ’em hard, and feel the zinc penetrate your ladymembranes.