Respect For Gender Identity Is Not A Reward.


lately I have noticed on facebook, twitter and other social media that some cis and transgender people have come to the idea that if they don’t like a particular trans person, they can choose to not respect that person’s gender identity as an attack on them.


This is at its very core problematic because it implies that respect for our gender identity is a reward given out to the “right kind” of transgender people and not a right to all as it should be and that this ‘reward” can be taken away at any time.

I don’t know about you but i don’t find this acceptable in the very least.

It isn’t just cis people either.


I see this kind of policing within the transgender community as well, many forums and discussion sites online that cater to transgender people have this mentality in one form or another. Often unpopular transgender people will be labeled as “fakes” or “just crossdressers” and driven out of the community.

This has got to stop.



Just because you don’t like someone or don’t like something a person has done does not give you the right to erase their identity. I don’t care if this person killed more people than hitler, stalin, genghis khan and the black plague combined, their gender identity is their gender identity and its not yours to take away.



You don’t get to take away someones identity because you don’t like them, or because you don’t think they “pass”, or because of their hormonal or surgical status. You don’t get to decide if someone is transgender, or how they identify. They do.


I see some sites who claim to be guides for transgender people talking about “fake transsexuals” or some other such scaremongering bullshit and all i have ever seen is unpopular transgender people being pushed out of a community , while having their identity stripped. This only serves as a mechanism of humiliation and degradation. (i’m looking at you tsroadmap, knock your bullshit off) .

We need to reject this toxic mentality as a community and accept all trans* people as they identity and stop using our identity as a reward, instead treat it as the inherent right it should be. This goes for transgender and cisgender people alike. If you see anyone trying to do this please call them out, I certainly will.


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  1. First time I commented on one of your articles it was a harsh criticism that, on reflection, I realised was wrong. Now I really like your stuff! I’ve realised that it’s pointless and self-defeating being apologetic, ashamed and tentative about being trans. I have to try and own it, be proud and see respect as the inherent right you describe. Bloggers like you help give me confidence. Thank you very much.

  2. I don’t support intentionally misgendering even the worst of enemies. But it’s not because misgendering someone is worse than Hitler. It’s just extremely petty.

    If you misgendered a cis person just because you didn’t like them, we would consider that petty. It’s like making rude puns out of a person’s name, only far less clever. With trans people, it’s no different, except it may hurt the trans person a little more when you do it. So it’s like making even ruder and less clever puns out of their name.

  3. All I can say to this article is yes, thank you.
    Accepting a person’s gender identity does not entail accepting any of their other views, or accepting them as a good person, let alone a friend. You can disagree with a person or condemn their actions in the strongest terms without bullshit like misgendering them.

  4. The thing I wish people would understand when they misgender someone else who “isn’t deserving”, is that in my mind and the mind of many trans* people like me, those “undeserving” people are exactly as deserving as myself. When they misgender someone, they’re misgendering all of us, they’re misgendering me.
    [TW: misgendering]
    One of the most painful experiences for me was when I was moderating a very large group on Facebook, and enjoying it too, when one of the members started purposefully misgendering her ex-wife (who had been her husband during their marriage), because “he” was an abusive person who didn’t “deserve” it. I tried to explain why that was hurtful to all trans* people, and her cabal of friends dogpiled on me for not being sensitive enough to her past abuse, to the point where the other mods who were even taking my side of things said it would be better if I just left, rather than defending the rights of trans* people.

  5. Much agreed. I have never seen it happen in person (Likely because I’m a bit scared of going to new venues and have it happen), but the idea that someone’s actions means you can take away their gender… No. Just, no. I understand the feeling of not wanting to respect someone, but we still call cisgender people by their preferred pronouns even when calling them monsters. Using transgender identities as a reward to be taken just dehumanises us all more, dislike shouldn’t do that. ._.

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