The Bisexual’s 14 Step Guide to Being Celibate & Alone Forever
Hi and welcome to our first column of The B, the new biweekly column made by and for bisexuals, pansexuals, the sexually fluid, queer, and anyone else who is attracted to people of more than one gender.
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
– Woody Allen
It is well known that bisexuals are hyperactive nymphomaniacs, constantly and eagerly feasting on the sexual smorgasbord of available bodies. Bisexuals have so many options, it is physically impossible for any of us to be monogamous with beautiful college ex-girlfriends and mysterious, dark, handsome men running around dying to tempt us away from our steady but dull sweethearts. The pure sexual allure of the bisexual eventually traps everyone. It’s science. It can’t be helped.
Or can it? Let this step by step guide show you how to be as single as any post Valentine’s day chocolate binging monosexual.
The Bisexual’s 14 Step Guide to Being Alone & Celibate Forever
1. Delete every person on Tindr who asks you for a threesome, eventually look down and realize you’ve deleted Tindr.
2. Get Dattch/Grindr. Be excited about all the fun, hot girls/guys you are going to meet. Be sad because no one ever messages you, but refuse to change your sexuality setting because you are a strong, proud bisexual! Also, because everyone definitely has seen your profile already and you’ll look like a fake if you change it now.
3. Go to a gay/lesbian bar with a straight wingman. Stand in the corner awkwardly with a drink assuming everyone is judging you for being a straight tourist.
4. Go to a lesbian/gay bar with a gay friend, stand in the corner awkwardly assuming everyone thinks you are a f*g hag (or male equivalent). Realizes that’s really offensive, judge everyone for mentally using such an offensive term when thinking about you.
5. Overhear one drunk person say something mildly to excessively biphobic, never return.
6. Go on a date with your best friend’s friend’s sibling; awkwardly leave after they talks about their days as a young Republican college club leader.
7. Go on a date with a vegan, hemp wearing new ager. Consider texting them back but buy a hamburger instead; eat all of it with no regrets.
8. Meet a really cool queer girl/guy, fall in love instantly, but panic right before you go in for the kiss because you don’t know how to have sex with someone of the same gender. Become her/his best friend instead. Regret this.
9. Flirt with your cute boss, find out they’re married, moonwalk away.
10. Go to a hip, straight bar. Look at the drink prices, look at your wallet, look at the slicked back hair of the man offering to buy you a drink. Realize you are in a Faustian situation. Exit the premise.
11. Realize you have the potential to be sexually attracted to almost everyone, but you also hate almost everyone. Revel in that loathing.
12. Go to a cat cafe, spend the entire time petting the cats. Talk to no one.
13. Go home, watch netflix, eat cheese.
14. Rejoice in the fact you are a stereotype breaking badass whose existence makes the world a better place every day. Click yes, you are still watching.
“Find out their married, moonwalk away” LOL
Awww. These feelz. I know them.
“Realize you have the potential to be sexually attracted to almost everyone, but you also hate almost everyone.”
“7. Go on a date with a vegan, hemp wearing new ager. Consider texting them back but buy a hamburger instead; eat all of it with no regrets.”
This is pretty much how every American Indian male loses his virginity. (Okay, that’s a joke, but there is a grain of truth to it.)