OPERATION PI: NOTES ON THE BI AGENDA VOTE
After deep thought, debate, laughter, tears, and broken friendships the die has been cast, the 779 votes are in. This is our mission.
The Bisexual Agenda
“ Orgies for everyone” came in strong at 32.3%, followed closely by “ruining heterosexual and gay marriage simultaneously” at 29.1%. If we are efficient and fight hard we can achieve both of these dreams in the year of our lord 2015. I believe .
The people who prefer to keep the agenda on the down low with ” there is no bisexual agenda, we don’t exist” came in at 13.6% while fourth place was “spreading the gay to the straight population” at 12.9%, and contrary to popular belief “breaking lesbian hearts” came in dead last on the list of things bisexuals were concerned about at a meagre 7.2%
Notable suggestions from the masses to be voted on for next years agenda meeting (4.9%)
- To change the color of the sky from purple to blue,
- Overwhelming Tumblr servers,
- Holding those “well everyone’s a little bit bi” people to their word,
- Orgies but just for us!
- Bisexuality is a legit and wonderful sexual orientation and not a joke thank you very much.
- Gillian Anderson.
How We Prove Bisexuality Exists
This was a closest battle of them all but eventually “You can’t be friends with people of the same gender you are attracted to, so have no friends. Sit alone in the dark until you emerge for your next sexual conquest,” pulled ahead with 38.2% of the vote, narrowly beating out “Always appear in public with both a girlfriend and a boyfriend, give them the same exact amount of attention and PDA,” by a paltry fifteen votes. “Alternative sexes between sexual partners keeping it at a strict fifty/fifty, people who identify as agender or other are freebies” came in at 15.9% and “How can you prove something that doesn’t exist” at 8.8%.
90% of all biseuxals agreed that we are neither in league with the heteros( 1.9 %) or the homos (7.7 %) but instead shall play them against each other until only we survive and we shall rename the earth midlevel Kinsey and all shall prosper.
What Are You Personally Confused About?
44.7% of bisexuals are confused how people survive the boredom of liking one gender, 21.5% want to know why burritos are the best food in the universe, 13. 6% think that life may just be a dream, and 11.2 % really just want to know who A. Tomorrow I will be answering the some of the 8.9% of people who had more unique quandaries.
What is the proper response to anyone saying any version of “you’re either gay, straight, or lying”?
I learned that bisexuals are less bloodthirsty and motivated by revenge than I expected when “stare at them without blinking until they trail off into nervous laughter” won with a solid 37.7% followed by “smile and nod in the moment, and then sabotage their career and relationships over the rest of their life ensuring they die alone and miserable,” 35.35% with a mere 19.9 percent saying they would “ immediately punch them in the face and then continue the conversation as if nothing happened” .
Other suggestions (6.9%) included:
- Gillian Anderson
- Beat them into unconsciousness, then feed them to a sofabed. Since sofabeds are actually either sofas, beds, or lying (down), they can safely sleep off their concussion! – (Editor’s note: Please do not sleep with a concussion!)
- Say “Why yes, I am a lion” then respond only in purrs, growls, and roars.
- they obviously want to have sex with you
- “makes you wonder what else I’ve lied about, doesn’t it?” accompanied by a slow, but altogether warm and sincere, smile.
- Sleep with all of their parents
- Only a sith deals in absolutes.
Is Bisexual an Okay Umbrella Term for All Nonmonosexual People or Do We Need a More Inclusive Word ?
This results changed the most dramatically over the last few days. Originally close to 80% of people thought bisexual was an acceptable umbrella term, this number tanked over the last few days resulting in only 64.0% favoring bisexual as an umbrella term and 36.0 % of voters saying we needed a more inclusive word.
How Do We Feel About Pi?
The proposed inclusive of portmanteau of “Pi” because we are delicious, smart, and neverending received an 81.7% approval rating, but strong opinions were recorded on both sides.
- Only if we can like exactly 3.14 genders
- No, mathematics has no place in the bedroom
- Gillian is my agenda
- this question is irrational
- I’m OLD and I’m tired of learning new terms for what I am, please to stop making them up, thank you and good night
- Yes, but only if we change our label to ‘Pie-Sexual’
- Well, you can’t have Pi without a pan
- Team Tau: In the same way Tau exists only because having pis appear together in public is too scandalous, I too will be forever alone
Best Bedroom Skillz
The people have spoken. Men are the worst in bed with a paltry 5. 5 percent of the vote, followed by women with a 8.5%, other with a 13.4%, and “ Myself- all sexual partners are just vehicles for my amazing prowess” winning with a beautiful 72.7%. I think in our hearts we always knew this was true.
This was a ping-pong ball of question, every time I logged in a different answer was winning, but after a week of battle the earth covering, fluid ocean pulled ahead of the traditional unicorn with a 51.5% win.
What’s Your Favorite Way to Explain Bisexuality?
“Some people don’t date people who like olives. Some people don’t date people who have freckles. Some people don’t date people who aren’t a certain gender. I am none of those people,” won with a respectable 29.1% followed closely by “I’m like an ethical HR person, I don’t discriminate based on gender, I only care about who will get the job done” at 25.0%. The arrogant jerks like myself who voted for ” What I’m trying to say is, you’re shall and I’m better than you. Bye” came in third at 21.2%, while Miley Cyrus fans who “Get the besst of both worlds” came in dead last with 19.2%, despite her recent disclosure of non heterosexuality
As always the people who voted other (5.2%) were filled with gems of wisdom including:
- Sexual attraction isn’t limited to one gender. I like many genders. If you are genuinely interested here are some resources where you can read about human sexuality, then come back to me if you have any questions.
- I just make a bunch of random sounds until they stop talking to me and google it.
- I usually respond with “Wait, you can actually see me?”
- If people don’t understand bisexuality by now, I don’t even bother.
- how come you’re not bi ? just look at all this beauty, wtf ? what’s the matter with you?
- Love knows no gender (and penises and vaginas are both fun to play with)
and of course
- Ms. Anderson
This is the beginning of a brave new world people! I’ll see you six months for the bi-annual update.
*Note, if you are not going to put more than five minutes of work into your power point presentation than don’t have one. Please take inspiration from Cheryl’s meticulously organized, 100 slide presentation on Gillian Anderson.
** Cheryl, please try to stay on topic next time.