Hello friends! As you’re probably aware, last week the Republic of Ireland legalised same-sex marriage, and also made history by being the first country ever to do so via a national referendum. Whilst this is great news for many of us, I think it’s very important for us to remember that not everyone in society will benefit from this historic decision. Indeed, for many cisgender heterosexuals – who are, of course, among the world’s most oppressed groups – Ireland’s decision will prove actively harmful.
Here at The Gay Agenda headquarters, we firmly believe that we should keep those less fortunate than ourselves in our thoughts. We’ve therefore compiled a quick list of the top ten ways in which extending basic equal rights to LGBT folk is literally bringing about the downfall of civilisation. After all, there is always a place for empathy, even as we convert more and more innocents to our deviant lifestyle, manipulate the media, and continue our fight to wipe western society off the map forever!
- Same-sex marriages weaken heterosexual marriages. There is, of course, a little-known loophole in international law which members of The Gay Agenda have been exploiting for years now, and that is the seldom-referenced Cancelling Out Clause. Under this clause, every time a same sex couple marry, a heterosexual marriage is, in fact, randomly selected to be annulled. Your marriage could be next!
- It’s unnatural. Isn’t it just? As I sit here in a hollowed-out tree trunk, wearing only carefully-placed vine leaves, typing on the freshly-grown laptop which I harvested from my fields last week, I am hugely grateful that our society is a natural one.
- It’s bad for the environment. We now have so much scientific evidence behind the “gays cause global warming” idea that even the old pirates theory is beginning to lose ground. In my home country, it is well known that tolerance towards same sex couples caused floods in Kent (that hotbed of homosexual activity), whilst god-fearing towns like Brighton and Glasgow were left untouched. What more evidence do you need?
- Same sex parents raise messed up kids. In the UK, heterosexual couples actually have to undergo rigorous training and pass a series of challenging exams before they are even allowed to consider having children, and therefore make perfect parents, every time. It is well-know that children need both a mother and a father and depriving them of either can have terrible consequences. In Britain, for example, the children of single parents turn into urban foxes when the moon is full.
- Same sex parents can’t even have kids. Same sex couples are obviously not capable of reproducing by themselves (except, you know, sometimes they are), so they shouldn’t be able to get married. Simple, right? This is exactly why older couples, couples with fertility problems, and couples who just don’t want children are also not allowed to marry.
- Marriage has always meant one man, one woman. Except for when it has meant “one man and a few women”, “one man, one woman, some concubines” or “vanilla and vanilla swirl, swirl”.
- Same sex marriage validates and promotes the gay lifestyle. It’s true. Surveys carried out in countries that have legalised same sex marriage show an alarming increase in the number of heterosexuals taking part in exclusively gay activities such as wearing sensible shoes, flamboyant dancing, having enjoyable consensual sex, and brunch.
- People will be marrying their dogs next. Actually, people already do that.
- Without marriage, society cannot function. This too is true. It is marriage, not systems of law and government, the economy, or mass multi-national corporations that binds society together. If the definition of marriage changes even slightly, society literally just stops in its tracks. I mean, I’m living in Scotland right now, and let me tell you, since we legalised gay marriage last year, everything has gone totally apocalyptic. I had to barter a chicken for my bus pass the other day. The urban foxes are running wild. I’m paying my tuition fees in cans of Irn Bru. It’s awful.
- Change is frightening. It is. We understand.
Feature image from independent.co.uk.