Orange is the New Black Episodes 7 & 8 SPOILERS


Orange is The New Black Moments  Ranked According To A Highly Scientific Analysis

13. Daya’s pregnancy drama. The best thing about this plotline is that dishwater Bennet is gone. There are many reasons to daily give thanks to the altar of Shonda Rhimes, taking Matt McGory away from OITNB is a delightful addendum. In other news, Daya finds out that her mom is trying to scam Mama Pornstache, and tells her the truth about Pornstache not being her baby daddy. This is both moral and one hundred percent going to backfire, which is Daya’s life in a nutshell.

12.Pennsyltucky’s adventures. She’s a horrible racist, but I love to see her happy, and she’s so goddamn happy driving that van around and telling Doughnut how to do his job and feeding the ducks. Then it gets weird and I was sad. I pulling for you Penn!

11. Poussey’s alcoholism. It’s all a bit abrupt. Last season she was making hootch, and now she’s getting drunk at eight in the morning? Considering the abbreviated timeline this show takes place in, that’s a fast escalation. It makes sense in some ways, it’s only been a few weeks or months at most since her friends abandoned her and she was beaten up on the bathroom floor and she clearly hasn’t recovered from that; she seems more distant from her group of friends and she later states that she is crumbling inside from loneliness. But it seems a little early for Taystee to be so concerned that she’s hiding Poussey’s booze or for Poussey to have graduated to full blown alcoholic.

10. Morelli scamming guys for friendship and money. Lorna is also lonely, without Nicky she lost her best friend, her reason to put on lipstick in the morning, and while I doubt any of these guys will fill that void maybe they’ll give her a few laughs. Hopefully she won’t attempt to car bomb any of them.

9.The nameless lady who got fired for making a holocaust joke. God help me I laughed.

8. Lori Petty looks like an older version of Alex. I firmly believe that she in fact a time traveler come from the future to get Alex out of this toxic relationship before it is all too late. She is tracking her movements to find the best time to speak with her, also to ask her to change some of her lifestyle habits for their mutual future happiness.

7. Soso trying to find a prison family. Many people find Soso irritating, it is a central tenant of her character, but she’s also lovable and feels completely isolated. Unlike the rest of the Litchfield’s Lonely she is attempting to find a healthy way to alleviate it. She stands up to Healy, bonds with Bertie, and tries to make friends, unsuccessfully. Maybe she should start a lonely hearts club with Morelli and Poussey.

6. Ruby Rose’s face, winking, after flashing her underwear. I’m dead, you’re dead. We’re all dead. My only question is why Ruby Rose isn’t flirting with the single and lonely Poussey instead of the self-involved and taken Piper? Leave all Rosé fanfic recommendations in the comments. Please and thanks. (I know her name is Stella in the show but come on, Rosé is the best ship name in the world).

5. Berdie. She’s got her Masters in psychology, runs a kickass drama class, and doesn’t take any of Healy’s shit. Her only imperfection is not realizing Suzanne’s genius, but we’ll forgive her for that. May she live long and prosper, even after the five years it statistically will take for her to burn out and quit.

4. Black Cindy. Whether she’s researching Jewishness or defending Beyonce everything she says is pure comedy gold. I wish upon you all her confidence.

3.Piper is a starting a dirty underwear business. Praise be! Piper finally has a storyline that allows Taylor Schilling to use her considerable comic talents. It may not be the artisanal soap store she wanted, but it will probably make her more money (and potentially more jail time, I seriously doubt Whispers will take kindly to her appropriation of their material). I look forward to more inspirational speeches about vaginal fluid and resolves to make more of my own in the future.

2. Norma is a magical cult leader. Young hippie cult Norma was a total babe and I wished I could rock flowers in my hair like that. It’s a wee bit surprising she’s in jail, killing a man who’s been brainwashing and abusing you for decades seems like a solid case of self defense but that is a minor detail and considering how deeply messed up our justice system is maybe it’s not as unrealistic as I think. Watching Norma use the same techniques on her followers that her cult leader used on her was both horrifying – #savePoussey – and oddly empowering. You leave Red behind! Women can be cult leaders too!

1. The Time Hump Chronicles. Taystee’s claim that Suzanne was “too creative” for the special job at Litchfield turns out to be true. Everything about Suzanne’s dimensional traveling sexcapade erotic fiction sounds amazing. I’m fascinated by the fact that she doesn’t outline. She is the true genius among us. I simultaneously hope that they release a full version of her book and that they do not, it could not possibly live up to the unreasonably high dreams I have for it. Are you team Gilly or team Admiral Rodcocker. Originally I was team Rodcocker, but since Poussey could literally change my mind about anything I am now team Gilly. On another note, is Suzanne bisexual? In season 1 she is trying to make Piper her prison wife but the THC seems very phallic focused. Of course a lesbian can write erotic penile fanfiction but she seemed very enthusastic about various membranes . This question will likely remain unresolved until the day that Jenji Kohen learns that there’s a word for being attracted to both men and women.Whatever her orientation Suzanne deserves all the applause, and the synopsis writer for Netflix who keeps referring to her as “Crazy Eyes” better meet me at dawn.

Honorable Mentions: Sophia and Gloria dealing with being mother’s behind bars, Caputo telling the guards he loved them, Danny attempting to get some  money funneled into the prison, and Red being back in the kitchen.

Quotable Quotes:

“Just don’t leave a bitch with blue balls”

“That’s too bad, I really liked eating. It was part of my daily routine”

” But how can there be, uh, this many Jews in here? I mean, who are the Jews?”
“I know. It’s confusing, right? We used to have them wear the Stars of David, but we had to stop doing that after World War II. I don’t remember why.”

“I too was once embarrassed an squeamish about my personal…eau de parfume. But then I thought, ‘Why should I be ashamed? Isn’t that a part of the self-hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy? And aren’t those same men that would shame me not the same men that would wear my panties on their faces, inhaling deeply?’ Ladies, now is the time to be bold. For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character. Let them smell daring and courage. Let them smell women who are unabashed and un-self conscious. And let them say that Litchfield, Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies, and have love to spare. Sisters, we may be incarcerated, but our panties will travel the world. And in that way, long after we are gone, our smell, our smell will linger. In some gas station in Toronto, in some office cubicle in Tokyo. And in that way, we are known. And in that way, we are remembered. Do you want to be remembered? Then sweat profusely, and fart with abandon, and make a reek. Make a reek, my sisters. Make a reek to last 1000 years!”

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